Shadow
by GwendolynTalbot
Summary: Previously a one shot - now continued. Set in season 13, Elliot has been gone for several months at this point. "It was so easy to walk out of somebody's life, but so hard to walk back in."
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own these characters, I am just borrowing them to get the plot bunnies out of my head.**

**This started as a one shot but as I couldn't get it out of my head, I had to come back to it, because it was a painful way to leave Elliot. To clarify, this is set in season 13 - I am going to put it somewhere before Hunting Ground. I wanted Nick and Liv's relationship to still be fairly shaky, and not too well established, so Liv will be working a lot out. ***This is set in season 13 but focuses on Olivia and Elliot.*****

Elliot Stabler sat in his car, the windows up while the rain pattered down around him. His coffee cup was warming his hands as he kept his eyes focused on the doors to the apartment building on the other side of the road. He was uncomfortably cold, but it had been a long drive to New York and he hoped that the cold would keep him awake. Succombing to sleep now would mean that he might miss her.

Missing her - he wondered if she knew he did. He wondered if she would be angry if he approached her out of the blue - would she slap him or hug him? Perhaps she would just turn away - would it be her turn to walk out of his life? He couldn't bear it when she did that, but he had done it too now, and he had been gone for much longer.

He suddenly noticed her door open and was aware of his heart beating harder in his chest at the anticipation of seeing her. He released the breath he had been holding when the person emerged from the door - it wasn't her. Perhaps she didn't live here anymore - he sighed and placed his coffee cup in the holder. Closing his eyes he was filled instantly with a memory of her.

_She was sitting next to him in the car, they were on a stakeout, two coffee cups in the holders, another rainy day just like today. They were talking about a case - she was annoyed, justly if he remembered rightly the details were faded now although her features were not. He remembered her annoyance as he stared at her with a small smile hoping to lighten the mood. It worked. __She laughed, and her smile turned the grey New York morning into something brighter. Her face lit up and she relaxed - his simple gesture enough to change her mood._

_"OK, El," she said, smiling as she leaned back in her seat and kept her gaze on their suspects apartment._

The rain eased a little and through the small streams of water running down his window he finally saw her. His breath hitched as he tried to speak but even though she wouldn't have heard him, be still could not find the words. She was dressed for work, and talking on her cell phone. He imagined the Captain was on the other end of the phone, giving her a crime scene location. She looked up and for a second he thought she had seen him, but she turned to a car which had pulled up next to her. With a slight smile, she opened the door and got in.

_The sound of her voice, his name on her lips, her laugh. He missed her presence in his life._

He sighed and rubbed his aching neck with his hand, paused for a moment and then put his key in the ignition.

He knew it was foolish to follow her, he would either lose the car, or he would keep tailing her and eventually stop. He wasn't sure what he would do then - continue watching her and hope she didn't notice - or hope that she would and that she would come over, he would get out of the car and wrap his arms around her, holding her tightly. He shook his head and laughed at his almost romantic notions of how a reunion between them might go.

The rain continued to fall as he he turned the key in the ignition and started the engine, bringing the car to life - _he couldn't just drive away._ He knew she would be pissed at him, a year had gone by and he had not contacted her. A significant part of their lives spent so intertwined and he had ended their relationship so abruptly.

He doubted she would fall into his embrace. It wasn't what they did - a year of trying not to think about her and his memories were becoming altered by his own pain. The harder he worked to hold on to the memories of her - to stop them from fading, the more he found he was perhaps not remembering at all, but wishing.

_No, they didn't hold each other, he knew they didn't do that, so why would that be her reaction now?_

He followed her car for twenty minutes until it pulled into the car park of a very upmarket apartment complex. It exuded wealth and opulence but Elliot was unimpressed. His eyes were focussed on the car ahead which had now stopped.

In his quest to tail her unnoticed he hadn't even realised the rain had stopped until his wiper blades began to scrape against the now dry window. He flicked a lever turning the wipers off and looked up just as she left the car. The driver was a man Elliot didn't recognise, but he noticed the glint of a police badge on his belt as he also exited the car.

Elliot felt his chest tighten in a mixture of anger and something else that he could not describe - he almost laughed at himself. What right did he have to expect Olivia to be just as he left her - her life on pause for his return. He felt an odd sense of jealousy when he watched them together and shook his head.

"What am i doing? Of course she has a new partner," he said to himself.

He put the car into reverse and turned around, really unable to work out what he was feeling right now - taking in this brief snapshot of her life without him.

As he drove out of the car park Olivia looked up, her eyes scanning the car park,empty except for the familiar police vehicles.

"What's up?" asked Nick

"Nothing, just thought someone was watching for a second," she replied

"Lets check it out."

"No, I didn't see anyone just a feeling - I'm pretty sure our perp is long gone," she replied.

_As Olivia and Nick continued their investigation, Elliot drove into the busy New York traffic, feeling oddly comforted in the anonymity he felt once his car blended in with countless others. He felt conflicted and was unsure if he could approach Olivia, but try as he might he couldn't bring himself to head out of the city, so he just drove, taking in the familiar sights, and the streets they used to protect together._


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter refers to S13 ep 3 ****Twenty-Five Acts, when Nick requested a new partner, and told Olivia she needed a partner should could trust. **

Olivia sat in the drivers seat with Nick alongside her. They had been in the car for over three hours and neither were completely comfortable. Three hours of talking about the suspect, not talking or making small talk, but not approaching the real issue.

Olivia couldn't take the awkwardness another moment.

"I _do_ trust you Nick."

And Nick remained silent as he stared out of the window, keeping his eyes on the suspects workplace.

Olivia sighed, she'd had enough of it. This year had been hard and she was doing what she could to just keep going, to do her job and not think too much about the grief she felt.

_The grief._

To lose somebody who was such an important part of her life, a constant presence who understood her - that kind of loss was hard to bear. Sitting in the car with Nick, who she had tried to some extent to form a relationship with, brought it home to her - that void he had left in her life. How could she explain to Nick just what she had lost? Elliot would have known what was in her head - would have got her to talk, but Nick remained silent. She felt the wrench of her sudden separation from Elliot much worse at times like these. Then she silently cursed herself for dwelling and took a breath in, letting it out slowly she regained her focus and put the thoughts out of her mind, choosing instead to focus on the suspects office building.

Aware that she had looked away, Nick turned slightly so that she was in his field of vision but not looking directly at her. He took in her body language, but she wasn't giving anything away. He couldn't tell what she was feeling, but he knew that she didn't share her feelings easily. He wanted to ask her what was going on with her - how they could work on this and find a way to work together. He didn't expect it to be plain sailing, coming into a new unit and working with a new partner, but she just seemed to only open the door slightly to him and not let him in any further. He didn't know how they could be partners when she wouldn't trust him...

"You do?" He said with a disbelieving tone, still not looking at her completely.

"I want this to work out Nick, let's just try and learn to trust each other - _it takes time_ \- a lot of time to build up a partnership. I think maybe we both need to give each other a chance to get there," Olivia said, as she turned to look at him. "Can we do that?" she added uncertainly.

"I hope so," Nick replied, glancing briefly at her before turning back to their suspects building.

Olivia gave a small sigh, disappointed that their conversation hadn't gone better - but feeling relieved that they had made some headway. She felt bad for the fact that he thought she didn't trust him and she wanted to work on that, but in truth she _didn't_ trust him - _not in the way that she had trusted Elliot_, and she didn't think that she could ever have that level of trust with anyone else again.

Cragen had told her that she couldn't work alone - she had to get it together and make a new partnership work but it was not that simple. Not that simple at all, when nobody else seemed to realise just what she had lost...

Later that day Nick and Olivia had both eaten, _together_ \- a step which Olivia felt had gone quite well as they had managed to talk more comfortably. Olivia sat at her desk while Nick took a call from Maria on his cell phone, and after pacing back and forth showing obvious agitation, he had eventually taken the call outside once other officers had arrived. Olivia took this as another positive sign - he was comfortable having a somewhat difficult conversation in her presence when he wasn't with others.

They would get there eventually, and she felt a little better knowing that.

As the sound of his voice faded while he walked further away, Olivia sat back in her chair and looked across her desk. It wasn't Elliots desk anymore but when that seat across from her was empty, it suddenly felt that much _more_ Elliot's - that she might look up and see him walk in, sit down, and resume his place across from her seemed almost possible at times - that he would just walk back in, as quickly and easily as he had walked out.

_"It was bullshit Olivia. We did everything we could and the son of a bitch walked. What the hell are we doing this for?" Elliot said._

_Olivia sighed and looked across her desk at him._

_"He can't be tried again, he got away with it. we need to watch him, keep a detail on him, stop him before he strikes again," Olivia said._

_"We might be too late, can't watch him forever. It seems pointless sometimes - we do our job and the fucking legal system, let us down," Elliot sighed._

_"I need to get out of here." he continued._

"_Her family are the ones that have really been let down," Olivia said, as she leaned back in her chair, running her hand through her hair._

_"You wanna get out of here? Get a drink?" Elliot asked as he stood, putting on his coat._

_"Best idea I've heard all day," Olivia remarked, as she stood to join him._

_Just one hour later, they both felt better. They talked a little about the case, a little about Elliot's kids, and a lot about things she couldn't even remember. Another hour later and they were in Olivia's apartment eating chinese, drinking beer, and enjoying the relaxed comfortable familiarity of each others company..._

Olivia was pulled from her memories when Nick returned, grabbing his coat and putting his phone in his pocket.

"You OK?" Olivia asked.

"I'm taking off, gonna have a talk with Maria tonight," he said, pausing to look at her, "Are you leaving soon? No point pulling a late night for the sake of paperwork," he continued.

"I know, I'm heading off soon too. Hope it goes well with Maria," she said.

"So do I. See you tomorrow Liv."

"Night Nick," Olivia said with a slight smile as she was once again faced with the empty desk across from hers.

**In the next chapter, Elliot makes a decision.**


	3. Chapter 3

He knew that today something would change, as he headed out after a dismal nights sleep - he had spent much of the night running through scenarios in his head - _Olivia's reaction upon seeing him. _

He had held his phone in his hand until he couldn't stand it anymore. The expectation. The dread. She had every right to shout at him, to slap him, he expected it, he _sort _of expected it.

Another part of him was tortured by thinking quite the opposite - of course she wouldn't respond with such anger - he would reach for her and tell her he missed her - that his every waking thought had become occupied with her - and he would hold her. He wanted to tell her that she meant the world to him still, but he had lost his place in her life by default when he stepped away, and he knew it was a huge presumption that he was making to assume that he could just step back in again...

The motel didn't serve anything other than vending machine snacks, so he had no choice but to venture further afield for breakfast. He had driven to a diner he had been to with Olivia several times - he decided it would be much easier to just go somewhere he knew - but that took him right back into Manhattan.

Forty five minutes later he had finished eating and given a lot of serious thought to how best to approach Olivia - feeling somewhat happier about reaching a decision, he headed out of the diner and had only got as far as turning the corner when he saw the familiar sight of police tape, CSU, and uniforms.

He walked a little closer and stopped, taking in the scene - he realised that his heart was beating heavily in his chest with expectation. He scanned the scene but could not see Olivia or anyone from SVU, so he assumed it wasn't an SVU case. Suddenly he spotted Melinda Warner - Elliot watched her approach a group of uniformed officers and begin talking.

A homicide probably, '_welcome back to the city...' _he thought sardonically.

He walked back in the direction of his car, feeling more at peace now that he had worked through his thoughts. He was resolute - he knew where he was headed and what he was going to do - beyond that though, he had no clue. That all rested in Olivia's hands - once he could talk to her face to face, then whatever she gave him, he knew he would be able to move on from it, whether she wanted nothing to do with him, or everything to do with him - he could cease these torturous thoughts of her that consumed him, and move on.

He hoped she didn't think he had moved on without her. He had become more and more consumed by her the longer they were apart, but he feared that she would have become nothing but distant to him now. There was only one way to clear all this up - to sort through this mess of emotion and find out what she wanted - find out what he even wanted, because he wasn't really sure, and he knew she deserved better than this. Better than him turning up after all this time and not really knowing what he wanted from her.

He thought he took the right direction but the past nine months had only made him feel more lost and realise just how much he needed her in his life. He decided to take anything she would give him - whether it were her hate or her love, anger, anything, _as long as she gave him something_. He prayed that hate would not be something she would ever feel for him, but his heart feared that he had been gone for too long, took too big of a step away to ever come back again. Her total absence was the one thing that he could not bear and he would take anything she gave him over that.

He thought of her smile - he had not forgotten for a moment how her smile would light her up - how she lit him up. He wondered if he had a right to feel that way any more, and the fear that he had lost her now was one he couldn't bear to think about:

_It was so easy to walk out of somebody's life, but so hard to walk back in. _

He knew that once he had seen her, and knew where he stood he would be in place where he could move on - before then though, he didn't know what the void that he had created between them truly was, and if he could even cross it again. At least the monsters they fought, they fought together but, now he was acutely aware that they each had their own, and he could only hope that hers would never be too much to bear - but that thought alone hurt him more with surprising ferocity.

He wanted..._needed_ to be there, to share it all with her. The distance only stung while he was so far away but the closer he got to her, the further he felt it, and it engulfed him painfully. It hurt to be so close to her and not reach out to her.

_Olivia sat in her apartment, she hadn't gone home and thought about calling him for a while now - he had closed the door to their relationship pretty firmly and she had made a decision not to try to open it from her side anymore_.

She thought of him, though - there were days now where she thought of him less, but the year was passing quickly now, and she was finding herself again. Sometimes she wished she could walk away - some cases made her despair - just what horror people were capable of never seemed to reach a limit. She never felt surprised or shocked anymore, and that didn't seem like a good thing.

Elliot wasn't her husband, or her boyfriend, he had no commitment to her, no reason..no reason to stay...it was a cold, hard jolt to reality, and maybe she needed it. Maybe she needed to know that that was all she really was to him. But if that was the case, _why_ did it hurt her so much? Why did his leaving - cutting her out of his life so abruptly hurt her so much if that's all they were - just partners?

_Elliot sat in his car, he knew what he was going to do today but he just didn't know how. _

Her happiness mattered to him, he wanted to know who her partner was, if he had her back, if he was a good cop. Would he let Liv down, would he protect her if she needed it?

Now he was finding himself at another turning point in his life and he had walked again, but this time he had walked back to Olivia, unaware of whether she would even let him in again.

Her distance was too much for him, it was an aching that just wouldn't go away. This kind of torture was a special sort of pain that had just sprung up again and hit him hard once his pain and grief he felt over Jenna had settled into something manageable, in a place in his mind where it didn't haunt him.

He picked up his phone and called his ex wife.

"Kathy, it's me."

Kathy sighed in disappointment when hearing his voice. "Elliot, Don't even bother - if you are calling to cancel…"

"I know we said we would do this - sit down and make a proper plan for Eli, but I can't think straight right now."

"That's not good enough Elliot!" Kathy said, exasperated.

"I know it's not, and it's not fair on Eli - it doesn't have to be hard on him - the divorce, not if we work something out we can both live with."

"Like what, Elliot?"

"How about he stays with me alternate weekends...in New York."

Kathy was silent for a moment. "You're going back to New York? Why?"

"I can't just erase the last thirteen years of my life and move on. I can only move on if I come back here."

"Here? You're already there? Elliot," she sighed, "have you seen her yet?"

"Olivia?"

"Yes Elliot, Olivia - she's part of the reason why you've gone back there, right?"

"Kathy it's not like," he took a breath, struggling to find the right words."Olivia and I, we never.."

"Oh, I know that - you're a good man Elliot, I don't doubt your faithfulness for a moment. After being married to you for so long I know you though - and I know that you've been battling this. You love her, right?"

"Kath.."

"No _listen_ to me - you love her, and if you don't even pick up the phone and talk to her, how is she ever going to know that? Go tell her - go talk to her and find some happiness - we all deserve to be with the right person don't we? We were young Elliot, so young when we married, and we both tried for so many years. I'll always care about you Elliot, and I've just been watching you sink down further and further - and I know it's because of her. So go, _talk to her_….but Elliot?"

"Yeah?"

"It might not be easy…"

"Yeah," he sighed, "that's about the only thing I'm sure of right now."

"Sort yourself out Elliot, and once you have your head straight - we can make an official arrangement for Eli, ok?"

"Kathy.._thank you_. Tell him Daddy loves him, and I'm getting a new place where he can have his own room when he visits."

"I will, good luck Elliot."

"Bye Kathy."

He ended the call and typed a text message.

"_Liv, it's Elliot. Can I see you?"_ He selected two cell phone numbers that he had for her, and pressed send then put his phone in his pocket and silently prayed that she would reply.

**The next chapter is the final one. How will Liv react? **


	4. Chapter 4

**Final chapter - a bit longer than the others because it needs to be.**

Olivia glanced at Nick - they were sitting in a car and watching a suspect yet again, but this time they were expecting to make an arrest. The silence in the car was comfortable now, Olivia was relieved - she hated the awkwardness that had been going on between them - she knew she was partially to blame - she had little time to deal with Elliot leaving and Nick arriving, but she felt happier now that her and Nick seemed to be in a better place in their relationship.

"That's our perp," she said.

In an instant they were out of the car, moving quickly, but not fast enough to draw attention to themselves too soon. As they got closer to the suspect, Nick glanced at Olivia, she nodded and he moved off in a different direction, out of sight.

Olivia approached the suspect. "NYPD," she announced, and as predicted he ran.

Olivia took chase, she was close, but not close enough. Oliva and Nick's instinct's however had played out well - as Olivia ran after him rounding a corner Nick cut out in front of him, quickly taking him down. They were back at their car with the suspect in their custody within ten minutes.

Later as Olivia sat at her desk talking to Nick, she realised that she was smiling. She felt a sense of harmony between her and Nick, and she knew they could make it work. Elliots desk still stood out to her - his absence screaming at her from time to time in quiet moments. She knew that she could carry on in her job - keep doing what she cared about deeply, despite his absence. It wasn't going to be a smooth ride, with such a major change to the team, but she promised herself not to make it bumpier than it needed to be.

It was late, she had stayed much later than necessary again when she got the text.

Her cell phone buzzed and she picked it up, glancing at the unfamiliar number. Opening the message she gasped in shock.

"_Liv, it's Elliot. Can I see you?" _

Olivia stared at the words on the screen - it had been nine months since he left, longer since they had spoken - she hadn't even seen him when IAB interviewed everyone about the shooting, he hadn't spoken to anyone.

She stood up and paced the squad room, her mind racing with a barrage of thoughts as she stared at the message on the phone. Taking a deep shuddering breath, she grabbed her coat and went home. She simply couldn't think straight.

Going home didn't help to quieten her racing thoughts or slow her rapidly thudding heartbeat. Eventually she realised that it had been over an hour - an hour of pacing, thinking and starting to write a reply but then discarding it.

She sat down heavily on the couch and pressed the reply button.

"_OK, im home now." _

Elliot felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, and pulled it out straight away. His heart raced when he saw Olivia's number on the display. He read the message and was driving in the direction of her apartment within moments. He had wasted too much time and a shred of hope had ignited within him...

**OLIVIA'S APARTMENT**

Olivia paced her apartment, her thoughts spinning wildly in her head as she tried to formulate a plan. She didn't want this to be a conversation based purely on impulse, she had to know that she was comfortable with where she stood...but in truth she didn't really know where that was.

She had no time to think any further as she froze, hearing a knock at her door.

Walking toward her door, she made herself a personal promise that she would not get emotional in front of him, she would not crumble - she would not let him see her emotionally weakened. She stopped, leaning forward to look through the spy hole -she didn't need to - she knew that it was Elliot, she recognised his knock straight away. She looked regardless, and as soon as she saw him her throat tightened and her heart began to thud heavily in her chest. She placed her face on the door as she turned, pressing her cheek against the wood. She exhaled slowly as she imagined her cheek resting against his chest, her hand running down his arm - she just wanted to touch him, to see that he was really here.

She slid her hand down the door until it reached the lock, and then taking a deep breath she released the catch and stepped back, opening the door all the way.

Elliot stood motionless in her doorway, he froze at the sight of her - she gave nothing away, just staring at him, and all he wanted to do at that moment was to take her in his arms and kiss her, but he knew better than to presume she would want him to do that.

"_Olivia,_" he said, his voice cracking with emotion as he stepped forward, "oh God, Liv _I missed you_."

Olivia didn't reply but stepped back giving him room to walk into the apartment, and he entered right away closing the door behind him. She walked into the middle of the room and turned to look at him, the emotion on his face was undeniable - she knew as soon as their eyes met that he was hurting, too.

He moved closer, allowing her a more than respectable distance as he stopped, looking at her, taking her in - drinking in every detail of her as if she could disappear at any moment. He felt a pang of guilt at that thought - she hadn't left, she hadn't been the one to disappear...

Olivia took a deep breath, letting it out slowly before she spoke, her voice far more composed than she actually felt. "So why did you want to see me?"

"Why?" he replied.

"Yes, '_why' _Elliot."

Elliot took another step closer and decided to take a risk.

"Liv...I came here because I had to see you - I can't stop thinking about you...I know I did this - I did this to myself, I did this to you, I did this to us. I can't begin to explain how much you mean to me Liv, how much you matter to me."

Olivia closed her eyes momentarily as she looked away. Tears rose behind her eyes and she did not want them to spill in front of Elliot, not now, not after his total absence from her life for the best part of a year.

"What," Olivia began, her voice shaking as it betrayed her, "was I to _you,_ Elliot?"

"_What?"_ he said, shocked at her response.

"_What was I_?" she demanded as emotion cut through her words with bitterness and hurt that she could not hide. "You walked away Elliot, you shut me out and you cut me out of your life. We were partners for over 12 years - I deserve better than that!"

"You do, Olivia, you deserve far better than that," he said, as he became aware of the adrenalin and emotion pumping through him. His regret, his need, his sorrow - all coursing through his veins as he stood in front of her, hearing the pain in her voice.

"What exactly was I to you?" she said, as tears began to fall freely now. She no longer battled to keep them inside - she was hurting and angry and in pain, and he damn well needed to realise that.

"_You were._.._everything Liv_," he said, his voice reducing to a whisper, "y_ou mean_ _everything to me_."

Olivia looked at him, aware now that she was trembling and hoping that he didn't notice.

"If that's true, then with everything we shared, with everything we had been through together for over twelve years - how could you just walk away? How could you shut me out?"

"I was in pain, Liv - I needed to shut everything and everyone out at first - I didn't think, I didn't plan, I just reacted. It took two months until I could sleep without being haunted by gunshots - the squad room..._Jenna_."

Olivia returned her gaze to him, and wiped away her tears with her hand.

"I get that, I really do Elliot, but you didn't even let me know you were OK, you ignored my messages - why didn't you just check in with me?"

"Because i'm an idiot Liv, after two months I got a divorce - Kathy has been a rock, she really has, but we're not in love with each other. I moved out as soon as I signed - but she has been a good friend to me - she keeps my head straight and she cares enough to help me get my life on track again. She told me to talk to you - I just couldn't. I couldn't face coming back, but I was coping - I was in an OK place. I got the divorce started and I got an apartment, but then I started thinking about you. The longer I was away, the harder it was - after a while - I started to wonder if I had any right to see you again. I realised something Liv, and it tore me apart when I did."

Olivia ran a hand through her hair and breathed deeply, trying to gain control of her ragged breaths which were in danger of becoming sobs.

"What..._did you realise_?" she asked, her voice quiet and shaking.

Elliot stepped forward and placed his hands on her shoulders. He took a breath and looked into her eyes.

"I figured I might only have one shot here - to talk to you, so I'll be damned if I'm gonna leave here with any regrets. _I realised that I love you Liv _\- and it kills me that you are not in my life - I need you...I want you," he swallowed as he felt his eyes filling with tears, "I have been in love with you for so long..._so very long_, and I need you to know. I need you to understand that. I love you Liv."

He leaned forward, his forehead touching hers as they both breathed ragged breaths, their exposed emotions seeping out, "_I love you so much Liv_."

Olivia felt the last remnants of her restraint slipping, and she gave up battling with herself any longer. The fight was futile - his emotional declaration too real, too raw to hide from. She let out a sob as she moved forward, his arms slipping from her shoulders to pull her into an embrace. She cried as her arms moved to hold him, the force of her emotion ebbing out through her tears.

He breathed her in, every second she was in his arms felt like something precious and fragile that he dare not let slip. He feared she would break away, severing the deepening emotional release that held them together in each others arms.

Olivia didn't break away.

She rested her head on his shoulder - her cheek wet with tears, resting against the warmth of his jacket. He ran a hand through her hair - letting it come to rest on her back. Then he held her closely - felt her breath on his neck as she shifted position to look up at him. He shifted slightly, creating just enough space that they could look at each other without pulling away from their embrace.

"How long El?" She asked softly, her tears subsiding now.

He briefly closed his eyes, sighing as a fresh tear escaped at the sound of his name on her lips. It had been nine long months since anyone had called him 'El', and hearing her say it warmed him more than he even realised it could.

_Relief. Hope. Love. He dared to think he stood a chance at redemption, a place in her life, a chance at loving her..._

He struggled to form words that would do justice to the depth of his feeling, and come close to anything that she deserved to hear.

"I think I always have Liv," he said, emotion colouring his voice deeply. "I felt...obligated to Kathy - we both felt obligated. I have always been scared - _scared to get close to you_, because I knew I would slip, I knew if I touched you I just wouldn't be able to stop. I valued our friendship and our partnership more than you can imagine - I couldn't risk losing you. I wanted to keep you there - untouchable by anyone else because it was pure torture when I knew you were dating anyone. It was selfish to want you like that - not fulfilled by anybody else, so that I could have you in every way except that way I really wanted to. I'm done with it Liv, I'm divorced, I'm moving back to the city."

"El..." Liv began to speak, her mind struggling to find the right words after such an barrage of honesty. She just looked at him, hoping he would continue.

His honesty was healing.

"I know you might not feel the same way Liv, I came here just hoping you would open the door. I want a life here, but I need you to be part of my life - I tried living without you and I had never been unhappier. If you don't feel the same, then just let me back in...let me be a part of your life again, because anything you give me will be better than this...emptiness I created." He let out out an unsteady breath as he raised a hand to smooth her damp hair away from her tears which were trickling more slowly now.

"El...I didn't think," she paused, trying to steady her voice, "you felt that way. I'm trying to take all this in - I was hurt and I didn't know what I meant to you. I kept thinking back - years and years of our memories, and wondering what it all meant to you, that you could cut me out of your life so easily."

"The longer I was away the harder it was to reach out to you, my right to even try just seemed to slip away more each day. Let me have a place in your life Liv, it's all I ask - I'm not expecting you to love me back."

Elliot's heart dropped as Olivia stepped back and walked toward the couch. She sat down, leaning back, her hands both resting either side of her head as she looked away from him.

"Wow. This is ..I just don't know what to say, I'm sorry, I'm just stunned," she said.

"Where can we go from here?" he asked.

"I need to think Elliot, I need time to process this."

"Of course - I know I've laid a lot on you here. Um...do you want me to go? Give you some space? "

Olivia looked up at him, fresh tears forming in her eyes, "_no,_" she whispered.

Elliot felt a surge of hope at her words and sat down next to her, wanting with every fibre of his being to take her in his arms, but realising her need for space.

She turned to look at him.

"You're moving back here?" She asked.

"Yeah, I'm staying in a motel outside of the city until I find a place."

"What about Eli? Will you be a long way away from him? "

"Kathy and I are gonna sort out a timetable, when I have a place, then he can stay regularly. It'll work out, it is a pretty amicable divorce, we're good friends, Eli is as happy as he can be in the situation."

"That's good. I'm glad you're on good terms," Olivia smiled.

Eĺliot felt a warmth within him - her smile brightening the moment, eradicating any tension left between them.

His heart rose as she shuffled nearer to him on the couch, stopping only when she brought her legs up, leaning into him. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close to him as she rested her head against his shoulder.

"El." She whispered, his name on her lips sending a shiver through him, "I was dealing with the fact that I wouldn't see you again," She confessed, her voice soft and calm, "I kept feeling._..'I should mean more to you than this'_ \- I got that _so_ wrong. I didn't know that I meant..._that much_, to you..." she took a deep breath and exhaled steadily, her grasp on her emotions stronger now.

She sat back, and in one quick motion she moved her hand to the back of his neck pulling him closer, her other hand touching his cheek, as she leaned forward and kissed him.

Her kiss was soft, tender and loving - he didn't respond right away, stunned that Olivia was actually kissing him, but he soon moved in, putting his arms around her and pulling her close as he returned her kiss with equal tenderness.

Eventually Olivia pulled away slightly to look at him and the love he felt for her seemed so obvious that she wondered why she had never realised how he felt.

Elliot could only watch her as he tried to make sense of her actions. He was afraid to allow himself to believe that her kiss meant to her what it had to him, but he could not deny the passion that he had felt within her embrace.

"You are moving back...regardless of what I can give to you...of how much I can let you in?"

"Yes. I just need to be around you if I can't have anything else," he said, with slight confusion.

Olivia smiled, and his anxiety and confusion subsided.

"I love you El," she said, her voice warm and honest, "and... I want to let you all the way in - I need you in my life too."

Elliot took her into his arms, placing a kiss on her head. "I wasn't expecting this," he said, smiling as he held her.

"_I love you El_ \- it feels so good to say that," she said.

He pulled her close, her body warm and soft and she settled comfortably, leaning into his embrace as they settled comfortably against the cushions.

They remained on the couch together throughout the night, each enjoying the loving embrace of the other far too much to let go. They eventually fell asleep, each wrapped in the arms of the person who had loved them for so many years.

Now was their time - to move on _together_.

**I hope you like it, I had to get it out of my head! We just needed ****_something_**** \- Elliot wouldn't just walk out of her life like that!**


End file.
